


shallow

by hatae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Robots & Androids, Android!Jaemin, Angst, Basically Android!Jaemin takes care of Radioactive blast Survivor!Jeno and feelings are involved, M/M, Post-Apocalyptic universe, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor!Jeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 02:30:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18002099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hatae/pseuds/hatae
Summary: "I'm whatever you want me to be", Jaemin spoke and his voice was lower than he’d expected. He had a perfect and dainty face, the one you'd want to see before you died, Jeno supposed. "I can also be your doctor, therapist, acquaintance, friend or maybe even more than that."Jeno decided not to dwell on the implication behind that. He suspiciously watched as Jaemin sat down on the chair next to his hospital bed, moving languidly and with no grace, like any human would."A friend? Can an android really be a friend?", he asked critically. It didn't seem to throw Jaemin out of the loop. He vaguely wondered if anything would.





	shallow

**Author's Note:**

> AU where Jeno is one of the last survivors of a radioactive blast that wiped out most of humanity. He spends his last days under one of the domes protecting the last of humanity from the toxic outside world. Android!Jaemin helps him through it. 
> 
> \- 
> 
> loosely inspired by [Soul](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1646297) by roaroftheninth.  
> 

“You're one of the lucky ones", Jeno got told quite often. But as he spend the nights wriggling and holding his stomach in pain, more often than not throwing the little he ate the day before up, he wondered if that was true. As his friends that survived the radioactive blast with him started dropping like flies he knew for a fact that it was a lie.

 

Dying those three years ago would've been mercy. Living in this godforsaken world, shielded by a glass dome keeping them all from breathing in the toxic air. Now he was just living the last of his days trapped in both his slowly dying body and a glass cage full of people calling themselves the last civilians of Korea.

 

 

Jeno knew for a fact that had they really been as merciful as they claimed, they would’ve put him and his friends out of their misery long ago, instead of testing medication after medication on them, seeing how long they could draw the inevitable out, all while watching them with both pity and barely concealed wonder and glee in their eyes.

 

The day after he lost his best and last of his friends Renjun all he wanted was to take a knife, slit his wrist and finally be done with it, undo all the hard work and time the oh so merciful doctors had put into him. It was also the day Jaemin was introduced to him.

 

 

"Lee Jeno", a doctor that always gave him those encouraging smiles, the ones he'd started detesting. What was there to encourage? He might as well transalte those to: " _good job on not dying today_."

 

 

"Meet Jaemin", he announced theatrically and Jeno eyed the boy that walked in suspiciously, not smiling back when he gave him a warm smile. "He'll be your companion from now on."

 

"My companion?", Jeno asked, voice still scratchy from crying all night.

 

 

"He's an android and he'll be there to take care of you. He was transported all the way from America’s dome, just for you", the doctor grinned widely, clearly buzzing.

‘The last one standing’ was left unsaid. Any other day Jeno would've glossed over it, but today was different.

 

 

"So he's basically my palliative care nurse?", he asked coldly. The doctor and the android exchanged a short glance.

 

"I see that you're still a little shaken up from yesterday's events", the doctor said with a grave and understanding nod, as if he had any fucking clue. "Jaemin will tell you all there is to know, seeing how I have another patient to attend to. You know the drill, Jeno. Beep me if you need anything."

 

 

He gave both of their shoulders an encouraging squeeze and left the room. Which left the two of them, the human and the AI. Jaemin was still smiling pleasantly at him, not at all taken aback by Jeno's snarky comment. He was an android, though. He guessed it was to be expected. Not that he’d ever met any, but his life as too short to be amazed by these things anymore.

 

"So are you?", he snapped.

 

Jaemin's eyebrows rose up in inquiry.

 

 

"My palliative care nurse?", Jeno demanded, voice a little less snappy upon seeing the gentle expression on Jaemin's face.

 

 

"I'm whatever you want me to be", Jaemin spoke and his voice was lower than he’d expected. He had a perfect and dainty face, the one you'd want to see before you died, Jeno supposed. "I can also be your doctor, therapist, acquaintance, friend or maybe even more than that."

 

Jeno decided not to dwell on the implication behind that. He suspiciously watched as Jaemin sat down on the chair next to his hospital bed, moving languidly and with no grace, like any human would.

 

 

"A friend? Can an android really be a friend?", he asked critically. It didn't seem to throw Jaemin out of the loop. He vaguely wondered if anything would.

 

"My code is adaptable. It has endless possibilities. I can be almost anything you desire me to be", he said, sounding almost proud. Jeno immediate asked himself if his code just made him sound like that to give Jeno the illusion he was actually human or if his code actually made Jaemin feel these sensations.

 

 

It was fascinating in a way. "Do you want to be my friend?" He asked, ignoring the sting in his heart as Renjun immediately entered his mind.

 

"Of course."  
Jaemin smiled and put out his hand. Jeno shook it.

 

It was hot in his.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

In the end he grew attached to the android very quickly, probably because he was actually fun to be around, contrary to all the doctors, who only asked about his condition and gave him glances that told him that it was a miracle he was still alive (“It’s the medication from doctor Park. He’s amazing. I honestly thought he’d be the first one to die given his condition, but Park really outdid himself this time”, he overheard the nurses one day).

  
Jaemin wasn’t like that, he watched all the movies Jeno wanted to see, laughing at the dumb remarks he made and making equally dumb ones himself. He accompanied Jeno to the sports hall attached to the hospital, almost daily. Rolling Jeno's wheel chair when he was having an extremely bad day. Jeno mostly liked the hall because one side of it was entirely made out of glass, which was next to the outskirts of the dome, looking outwards into the toxic, but real world. If he didn't think too much he could almost believe nothing had changed at all.

 

 

"I used to play basketball", he said absent-mindedly as he watched some patients playing the game from the side. Jaemin looked down at him. He was in his wheelchair today, having spent most of the night throwing up until his legs were too weak to carry him.

 

 

"Really?", the android asked as he tucked a lock of Jeno’s too long hair behind his ear. It was a thing he did, playing with Jeno’s hair. Probably because he'd learned that calmed him down when he was dry heaving or moving around in his bed, unable to sleep because of the pain

 

 

Jeno almost leaned into it, but quickly decided against it. He may be attached, but there were limits. In the end, Jaemin still was an AI, mimicking, but not feeling.

 

"I used to be really good at it, too", he nodded, grinning a little when a patient that was clearly too small attempted a dunk.

 

 

"I would've probably made it to captain too if-", he abruptly stopped talking.

 

"If what?", Jaemin asked wit with a small frown, clearly sensing Jeno's mood shift. Jeno looked up at him.

 

 

"If the world hadn't gone to shit", he said bitterly. Jaemin was about to answer when a scream ran through the gym.

 

"LOOK OUT!”, someone yelled and he looked up just in time to see a ball head straight for his face. He closed his eyes, knowing full well he wouldn’t be quick enough to stop it. He just prayed it'd just bruise his nose instead of breaking it. After about a second or two of preparing for impact and nothing happening he opened his eyes.

 

His eyes widened at the sight in front of him. Jaemin was holding the ball, the remains of it at least. He'd squeezed it so hard it had promptly popped in his grip.

 

 

Jeno blinked rapidly and attempted to catch his gaze, but he was too busy glaring daggers at one of the players, probably the one who'd thrown it in the first place. A plump man with thinning hair.

 

He stalked over to the taken aback man and pushed the remains in his hands before snapping: "If you can’t play then I would advise you to stay off the field. These are all patients here, people who can't help that they're here. Your liver is screwed and you only have yourself to blame for it. Even if you can't be responsible for yourself, at least do it for other people."

 

 

With that he stalked over to Jeno and abruptly wheeled him out of there. It took Jeno's sluggish mind (caused by both his medication and fatigue) until they were in the elevator to form a sentence. He caught Jaemin's gaze in the mirror. "I didn’t' know I promoted you to bodyguard."

 

The tense pull to Jaemin's shoulder disappeared and he let out a huffed laugh. His eyes crinkling up endearingly.

 

 

"Serious, though. What was that all of a sudden?", Jeno asked.

 

Instead of the air of confidence Jeno had gotten used to seeing with Jaemin the android looked a bit confused himself. "I'm...not sure. I've heard that I'm not usually one to get mad. I guess my emotions...or the code creating them reacts differently when you're involved."

 

 

 

Jeno felt satisfaction course through him upon hearing that.  
That basically meant that Jaemin cared about him as well, right?

 

"How strong are you, by the way? You literally destroyed their ball", Jeno said then, actually impressed. The wrong expression fell from Jaemin’s face and was instead replaced by a small grin. He gently grabbed Jeno’s hand in his. It once again occurred to Jeno that he felt warm and so human-like.

 

 

"Let's just say that I could probably break all your fingers if I were to squeeze with all my strength", he said then and Jeno gasped, immediately attempting to pull his hand out of his, but it was like an iron grip, despite the fact that Jaemin didn’t look like he was straining at all.

 

“Why…Why would you even-“, he started.

 

"Except I'd never do that, because I'm here to protect you. No matter what", the android gently interrupted him and Jeno stopped struggling, floored by the sincere affection he heard in Jaemin's voice. Given the fact that they were all alone in the elevator it almost felt like a secret just between the two of them. They arrived on Jeno's floor and his chance to share the sentiment was lost.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A couple of weeks later Jeno wasn’t able to walk around anymore. No one was surprised, though. Jeno least of all. He'd seen it happen to one too many people. Renjun had lived one more month after it. He figured he had about the same left.

 

 

At least he had Jaemin, though. Jaemin, who would be there to make him laugh whenever he was thinking too much. Who'd be there to squeeze his hand whenever the doctors gave him one of their al-too-familiar looks. Who'd be there to hold him at night when he was in so much pain it took all he had not to promptly cry out and break down, his stomach hurting so much he almost dry-heaved just because of the pain. 

 

 

After their conversation in the elevator Jaemin had gotten bolder with showing his affection. Instead of just playing with his hair whenever he was in pain, he would crawl into bed with him, plastering himself to Jeno's back and rubbing his stomach. It was comforting. Because he was so warm and soft Jeno often forgot he wasn’t exactly human.

 

 

Which was what prompted him to ask the next question when he woke up one morning to find Jaemin breathing warmly against his neck.

"What did you mean that time? When you said you could be my friend or more?"

 

 

He felt Jaemin's breath hitch.

 

 

"It means exactly like it sounds", he said then. Jeno turned around to find Jaemin look back at him with wonder in his eyes, like he hadn’t expected Jeno to cave and ask after so long.

 

"Like you could be my romantic partner?", he asked and Jaemin nodded. Jeno pondered over it for a while.

 

 

"Would you like me to be?", Jaemin asked leaning in a bit and Jeno flushed, scooting back and almost falling off the bed in the process. Jaemin's hand on his waist kept him from doing so and most likely breaking one of his fragile limb.

 

 

"No", he said quickly. "I wouldn't want to start anything without being certain you liked me too."

 

"Uh, pretty sure I'd know if I like you or not", Jaemin said with a small eye roll and Jeno once again wondered how the hell they made him seem so human-like.

 

 

 

"But do you? Isn’t it just your code 'being adaptable'?", he asked critically and Jaemin's face fell. Ever since the elevator he hadn’t mentioned his code once.

 

"Then by your reasoning we can’t be friends either", Jaemin said and it sounded like a challenge. Jeno was too tired to start anything, though. In exactly half an hour he would be getting his meds and then he'd be completely drowsy for at least two hours. He'd gotten his answer.

 

"That's true", he said quietly, before leaning forward and folding against Jaemin's chest. Jaemin’s arms automatically closed around him. Jeno basked in his warmth.

 

 

"You're confusing", Jaemin muttered after a couple of minutes and Jeno hummed.

 

"I'm dying. I have the right to be confusing."

 

At that Jaemin's arms tightened around him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Jeno looked at the early snow falling on the dome and wished he could be out there, to feel it melt against his skin. To feel like anything was real. Under their sacred dome it was always a pleasant temperature. It threw him off. His body was used to the ever changing seasons. Being in the garden and watching the trees outside, changing by the effect of the season was almost cathartic. Seeing them wilt last fall he'd almost felt like he was one of them. Only he was stuck in here, while they were out there.

 

"I'm a tree", he told Jaemin. The android gave him a strange look, clearly wondering if he was starting to become delusional. Jeno laughed upon seeing that look on his delicate face, it only seemed to worry the android more and his eyes shifted over to his beeper.

 

 

"Figuratively", he said then and Jaemin looked a lot less alarmed upon hearing that.

 

 

"How so?", he asked.

 

 

"I've been watching them be affected by the seasons. They've been slowly wilting during fall." His body had grown thinner and thinner. His cheeks hollowed out. He didn’t like looking in the mirror anymore. Especially with Jaemin next to him. His pretty appearance and good proportions almost made him green with envy. "And now that it's winter they're on the brink of death."

 

 

Jaemin frowned. "Don't say that, Jeno; They just lost their leaves. They're still getting water from the ground. They'll be fine for a quite a while. And when spring comes they'll be just like new."

 

 

Jeno let out a laugh, imagining himself wondrously recovering after all, gaining all the kilograms he’d lost when spring came around and walking around like nothing had ever happened in the first place. As if his body hadn’t been trying to destroy itself for literal years. "If only."

 

 

"You're being too negative", Jaemin scolded him and Jeno gave him a look.

 

 

"Easy for you to say, you'll just go to your next patient and keep existing", he said, knowing he was being nasty. He didn't know why. He’d slept through the night without any problems for once. He was just frustrated, he guessed.

 

 

Jaemin looked like he might argue, but deflated. "I suppose that's true."

 

 

Jeno froze. "You won't miss me?", he asked, suddenly feeling small.

 

 

"It would be hard to, seeing how they'll delete my memory before I move on to my next patient", Jaemin said matter-of-factly. As if it was a given.

 

 

 

Jeno felt his heartbeat bonk in his ears as he stared up at Jaemin. The android was saying something, but he couldn’t catch it. His own thoughts deafening him.

 

 

Jaemin’s memories were going to be destroyed. He wasn't going to remember Jeno. This didn’t mean shit to him. Here Jeno was, pathetically clinging to the android, thinking they were friends (or maybe even more than that) and Jaemin _wasn’t going to remember him._

 

"-okay, Jeno?"

 

Jaemin’s hand found its way onto his shoulder and Jeno abruptly shrugged him off, standing up. The android's eyes widened.

 

"Jeno, careful! You can't-"

 

 

But Jeno was already walking, wanting to put as much desistance between them as he could. His jittery legs were barely able to carry him and with each step Jeno could feel the strength leaving his skinny body. God, he was so fucking _skinny_. He was almost a walking skeleton at this point.

 

Maybe that was why Jaemin didn’t want to remember him, Jeno’s frantic mind supplied unhelpfully. Maybe just looking at him was revolting and he couldn’t wait to get rid of the memories.

 

Jaemin came after him.

 

When his fingers closed around his arm Jeno attempted to shrug him off again, but instead of throwing the android off the movement just made _him_ loose his balance. Jaemin's hand around his arms was the only thing that kept him from falling face first on the ground. He let our a frustrated cry and felt tears well up in his eyes. This didn’t fucking mean anything. It didn’t.

 

 

"Jeno, what's wrong? What’s happening?", Jaemin asked, clearly alarmed. There was probably no code for how to react to Jeno panicking like this.

 

 

"Let me go! Don't fucking touch me", he shrieked, pushing at Jaemin with his other hand. Jaemin looked completely lost.

 

"I can’t, you'll fall.... Jeno, stop. You're wearing yourself out-", the android said, grabbing his other hand when it was clear Jeno wasn’t listening to him.

 

 

To his own mortification a sob escaped his throat. "Why does it matter? Just let me go and let me break my arm, it’s not like you'll feel guilty about it later, seeing how you're not going to remember me anyway. In fact, why don't you just kill me right now? I want to die and you won't feel bad about it later on. Fuck, why the hell didn’t you tell me before...before-"

 

He fell silent, sniffling.

  
Jaemin's eyes had widened the slightest bit in understanding at his breakdown and he gently lowered Jeno to the ground, letting him go. Jeno immediately put his face in his knees, his only way of getting away from the pitying gaze Jaemin was giving him. If there was anything Jeno didn’t need right now, it was pity.

 

 

"Jeno, I'm sorry. I had no idea you cared that much", Jaemin said when he'd calmed down a bit, from next to him and Jeno whimpered, humiliated.

 

"I care about you, too. So much", he went on and Jeno looked up to find Jaemin looking at him with a sad smile. "If I had a choice in the matter I'd keep all the memories we made close. I'd never want to forget you. Never."

 

 

Jeno's heart clenched painfully and he blurted out: "Can you please try to keep them?"

 

 

Jaemin’s eyes widened and Jeno was sure he'd let out a sigh and tell him that he was just a machine and didn't have a say whatsoever. Instead determination appeared in his pretty eyes. The ones that always crinkled up so adorable when he smiled.

 

 

"I'll try for you."

 

 

Jeno leaned forward and pressed a kiss onto the corner of Jaemin's mouth, because that seemed to be the only sensible thing to do in that moment. "Thank you, Jaemin. I love you."

 

He put his arms around Jaemin and pulled him close. Jaemin’s arms immediately circled around him, hid grip tight enough to hurt, but not tight enough at the same time.

 

"I thought you didn't want to be my lover", Jaemin muttered into his hair.

 

"That was before", Jeno said matter-of-factly, his voice still scratchy from crying.

 

"Before sucked", Jaemin sighed contently. "I love you, too, Jeno. So much."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"I want to go outside", he announced two weeks later, as they were playing a game of chess in his room. Jaemin let out a laugh, the one that made his eyes crinkle up. A detail that would make Jeno soften any other time, but not right now. "Right."

 

 

"I'm serious", he said seriously, not missing the way Jaemin's jaw tensed. " _Jaem_."

 

 

"Stop", the android said, not looking up from the board. "You and I both know you can't go outside, so just stop."

 

 

"I know that, obviously. But I just want to go outside one last time before-", he started, but Jaemin’s hand crashing on the table immediately shut him up.

 

"Don't say it", he said quietly and when he looked up Jeno noticed the raw fear in his eyes. It rendered him speechless for a while. Unprepared for seeing the emotion so clear in his eyes.

 

 

"You've noticed it, too. This week has been the worst. I recognize the signs, Jaemin. I've lost all my friends this way and I’m not dumb enough to think it won't happen to me. Sooner rather than later", Jeno said gently. He could hardly tilt a chest piece anymore and the tremble in his hands seemed to be permanent. His hair had started falling out and when he threw up it was bile combined with blood. The first time it had happened Jeno had clutched onto Jaemin so hard he was almost scared he'd break the android. Had it been a year before he might have, but his deteriorated muscles hadn’t done much damage.

 

 

"But going outside will only fasten the process. The air out there is so toxic even _I_ felt horrible walking through it. And I _know_. I know it'll happen soon, but please, Jeno. I've finally learned how to love someone, please don't take it away from me sooner than is necessary. I can't...I wouldn't be able to keep existing", Jaemin said and to Jeno's wonder a tear ran over his cheek when he choked out the last sentence.

 

 

 

He put his trembling hand on his cheek and smiled sadly. "I didn’t know androids could be this selfish.”

 

 

Jaemin's bit his trembling lip. “Jeno, _please_.”

 

Jeno’s hand fell on his lap and he closed his eyes, trying hard not to focus on the way his stomach seemed to be trying to claw its way out of his body, like a hysterical rat trying to escape from a fire. A literal way to torture him, he supposed. “Okay”, he said. “Okay.”

 

 

“Thank you, Jeno. Thank you so much”, Jaemin babbled, standing up and putting his arms around Jeno’s frail frame. For once Jeno didn’t bask in his warmth, he didn’t put in any effort to return the hug. Instead he opened his eyes and looked out of the window. He was met with the somber view of the city under the dome. Despite asking several times he hadn’t gotten a room that looked out over the hospital’s garden and the trees behind it.

 

 

“I really wanted to be under those trees one last time”, he said quietly, mostly to himself. Jaemin stiffened.

  
“I’m sorry, Jeno. I’m so fucking sorry, I just love you so much.”

 

 

When he felt the android start to tremble against him and choke back sobs he finally returned the hug. “It’s okay.”

 

And with Jaemin holding him close he could almost make himself believe it was.

 

 

“You have to keep existing.”

 

 

* * *

 

**6 months later**

 

 

“God, I hate night shifts.”

 

“Who doesn’t?”

 

“Of course the professor would let us deal with this. _God_ , this is gonna be a pain.”

 

“What’d the patient say again? It started glitching?”

 

“Yeah, but I’ve never heard of one of our models doing that, so she could be lying.”

 

“Why the hell would she be lying? The girl’s dying, what good would that do her?”

 

“You never know what the radiation’s done with these poor fuckers’ brain, man…What do you figure could be wrong with the android, though?”

 

“Hard to say….my guess is that it got some internal damage while traveling. It’s been all over, right?”

 

“Fucking hell, _internal_. This is gonna take a while. Before we crack him open we should check his details…Just in case. It could maybe save us a ton of work.”

 

“You do that while I go get its patient information. That could maybe given us some clues as well.”

 

“Already on it man, this should only take a second.”

 

“Yeah, I know how the scan works…what? What’s wrong?”

 

“…I know what’s wrong with him.”

 

“What?”

 

“Come check his memory, man. This is unreal.”

 

“…10 fucking TB of memory?? How is that even possible? It should’ve reset itself the moment its previous patient died. This shouldn’t be possible-”

 

“Maybe he cared about the previous patient and didn’t want to lose his memories?”

 

“Don’t be an idiot. It’s a machine. It should’ve reset itself.”

 

“I’m just saying, maybe he became sentient and-“

 

“Now _that’s_ a good one. When did you become such a jokester, Mark?”

 

“It’s a possibility...”

 

“Look, even if what you say is true, it’s still an android and the only thing that could’ve happened is that it deluded itself into thinking it cared for…or hell, maybe even loved someone. But in the end, it’s still just code.”

 

“Yeah...Yeah, you’re probably right.”

 

“Damn right I am. Now, let’s hurry up and wipe it clean. The sooner the better.”

 

“Right.”

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was pretty sad. 
> 
> I honestly wrote this after a discussion with my sister abt whether or not androids/AI could develop feelings like love, sadness, happiness.... And even if they couldn't, if they could fool themselves into thinking they can. It's honestly such an interesting moral question and I hope I did the idea justice in this fic!! 
> 
> Anyway, pls do let me know what you thought of it!!
> 
> \- 
> 
> [ my tumblr](http://chimchimerie.tumblr.com).


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